Poetry In Masses

I have light sensitivity (photophobic) and photic sneeze syndrome just like my mother.

I am sensitive to sound, mostly lots of loud sounds all at once will cause me to cover my ears and close my eyes and shout for it to stop.. I now mute the tv on commercials because people like to talk and it is just too much.

I am sensitive to medication, though I am an ECMO child and so I also have problems because of that. I am always the rare case though. I get DUB I get this I get that. I am allergic to birth control.. turns out in rare cases it causes neurological problems. In my case, muscle spasm like seizures which cause me to not be able to speak properly or do much of anything. Most medicines I don’t notice a particular effect. Vitamins will make me sick a lot.

I don’t like to be teased or touched. Boys do this a lot and it drives me insane. I will meltdown especially if tickled. I associate it with trauma, torture, rape and flat out uncomfortable. I get violent. I don’t like wet willies, or when boys touch my belly button. I don’t like light touches. It has to be firm and only in certain spots. I do like hugs though and kisses if they are on my terms. I like sex in theory. I have a high sex drive but when I actually have sex I often regret it or wish it was over. I do not like to sweat and I am also allergic to my sweat. I like to be clean. 

I must shower everyday and I brush my teeth a lot. My dad has germ phobia OCD and so it is pounded in my brain to be clean, obsessively clean. and I hate hair so I shave everything except my eyebrows and actual hair on my head. 

Routines. I have a way of doing everything and sometimes even certain timing. I cannot adjust to changing it for anyone or anything so I avoid traveling and sleepovers at all cost unless I am mentally prepared for it weeks or days in advance. I still avoid it anyways though. I have everything I need at home and I like my bed. I don’t like the way other people’s houses and items smell and I have a lot of allergies too. 

In social situations like a party or gathering I am overwhelmed, awkward, quiet, and often wander off to find a quiet room or animal to play with. I enjoy socialization in small groups of close friends who understand me. I am very charming online but have almost no skill in real life that would allow someone to think of me as popular.

I am not a very good host. My family gets upset with me because I do not “offer” food or beverages or other things to friends or house guests. I don’t understand this because I figure if they are hungry or thirsty they can just get it themselves. I also ignore friends or guests and do my own thing which gets me in trouble too. If a friend comes over, I often get bored or overwhelmed and will go on my computer or watch tv by myself. I hate it when people talk during my programs. 

I have 4 birds and a puppy. I did go through an obsession with pets though, buying the things they need, setting up habitats, caring for them.. I had 2 rats and 2 mice and my puppy and many birds all at once.

I have found that leggings and soft shirts are what Iam comfortable in. If I put on jeans now I rip them off immediately because it feels like someone is suffocating and scratching me all at once. Also certain shirts neck opening will make me feel like I am choking.. it is very bothersome. Today at the mall I tried on shirts and they were cute but they felt itchy and tight and so I put them back and so I went and got a bunch of boy shirts instead. They fit longer and are softer and more room. That is what I like.

Like I said before, I am not extremely picky with food, I mean I am more open to trying new things now.. but I don’t like the texture of yogurts and puddings in my mouth it starts to feel like icky globs of cum. I am sensitive to certain herbs and I don’t like Italian or Mexican foods much it is just gross. I mostly eat breads and fruits and I love fries. I am picky with meat. I like most all Oriental foods though. However when I was younger I only ordered Fish and Chips when we went out. Nothing else. Fish and Chips and I only ordered lemonade or lemonade mixed with Sprite or a Shirly Temple when we ate out. I am still kind of the same but my preference in food has broadened. 

I am artsy and musical. I draw and paint and It is my most natural talent. I also love to sing but am too shy to sing in front of people which is why I made my youtube to help.

I love English, languages and anything about animals. I am not very good with math or science however because the numbers and letters all get jumbled up in my brain and it goes in one ear and out the other. I struggle to tell time on an actual clock.. I am however obsessed with words and the dictionary. When I was 14 I made my own dictionary using only my favorite words. I even categorized it alphabetically. In school I managed to be on Honor Roll, National Junior Honor Society and I received various awards. In Freshmen year of HS I was in Honors English. When I was little I attended a Young Authors convention compete with a book I wrote lol. I cannot for the life of me speak or give presentations though. Once in my Honors English class I froze and then cried on my table after my teacher got mad at me for not being able to give my presentation. I am very good at reading out loud and reading fast even if nervous. I don’t do well in groups unless I can do things my way or do all of the artsy parts of a project.

As a child I did things by myself a lot at home. I would sing and wander in the yard and I loved insects. I had pet spiders I would feed everyday, caterpillars, I like bumble bees, slugs worms. I like all animals, frogs, snakes. I was never afraid of them the way normal girls were. In fact, at school I got mad that the teachers allowed boys to go around stomping on the bees and I cried and I would go in the field and find dead bees and bury them in little holes.

I love to read. I liked to read more when I was little though. I belonged to the Pony Pals book club and spent most of my time reading those, or Harry Potter. I also was obsessed with horses and that was all I wanted to know about and collect. 

I also always had video games. I loved pokemon and playing my gameboy color or advance on the playground instead of sports or other things.. which I sucked at. I can’t handle jungle gyms, games involving balls or coordination.

I was always friends with the teachers and in elementary school I used to always try to get the pass to the “window room” to play with Mrs. Gable. We shared an interest in Raggedy Ann Dolls and antiques, which she found quite interesting. I also did other things to help teachers like Library Helper. I was in an Art Club and a Big Buddy program. 

Speaking of that, I collect antiques. I collect Japanese ceramic figurines of animals. Especially dogs that look like my real dogs. I am obsessed.

I am not good at approaching people or asking for things. I do not like to look people in the eye unless I am in love with them. If I look at them I concentrate on either how uncomfortable I am or how ugly they are and I cannot process what they are saying. 

I hate being criticized as I cannot handle it emotionally and I don’t like confrontation. This made things in the employment world rather difficult. I also don’t like advice on how to improve because I feel like a loser or like my way is better.

Girls overwhelm me because they talk too much about personal things and they have too much energy and demands. Also girls are very sensitive and it seems I hurt their feelings a lot. It is hard to lie if they are wearing ugly clothes or unflattering things or if they are flat out boring or annoying me. This always gets me in trouble. 

When I was younger, and even sometimes now, before a family get together or going to a public event, my parents always pulled me aside and told me things I could not say or things I should not do. They said I was a tattle tail and stuff and that I said things that were either supposed to be private or that were mean or inappropriate. 

I feel like a boy a lot and sometimes wish I was a boy despite the fact everyone thinks I am a girly girl with huge boobs -.- I always acted younger than my age in my interests. I would say I am a 14 year old girly boy who feels old in my mind but is physically 22.

I have been through a lot and I am quite intelligent in many subjects however I just want to watch cartoons, collect toys, play in my room and have fan girl crushes and wear bright colors and funny outfits.

I also noticed I am not attracted to boys my age because I simply don’t relate to them at all really. So I find myself conflicted with initially being a pedophile but not.. I have no desire to molest or take advantage of young boys. That is disgusting. I simply relate to younger boys and like them. Most innocently. It would be like being with someone my age mentally. I would have no problem. It’s debatable but I would say my thought process on that subject is probably considered odd to normal people.

I also have the classic, feeling stupid and smart at the same time. That is a given. I am very naive and I have been hurt because of that.

I cannot do things by myself and often ask for help if comfortable or imply that I need help. I wander and get lost in stores which in turn causes me to become frightened and I will cry or go into meltdown mode if I am lost for too long in a busy place. I get distracted.

I have many inherited problems such as OCD, Tourettes and IBS I suffer from depression and I think I have BPD, I am positive of it. I feel like I am in my own world and I don’t understand the world that I am supposed to live in.

My mind never stops. I suffer from insomnia and I am always thinking and creating. If I do sleep I dream almost immediately and I have vivid/lucid dreams. I also feel exhausted and will sleep all day sometimes.

I spend hours on end on the computer, playing games, tumbling, researching my obsessions, writing etc. I learned over time to try to keep my obsessions to myself as I get made fun of or knocked down by family over them. Sometimes I forget though and am soon teased and upset.

when I am upset I cannot verbally say why. I just curl up, cry, rub my face, pull my hair, rock or sleep. I am very sensitive. I also will become selectively mute. When I lived with my grandparents I became so afraid of my grandpa I became mute and starved myself for weeks. I hid in a snuggie and would not go out unless he was gone.

I am extremely sensitive with my belongings and especially as a little girl would throw huge tantrums out of anxiety of other people playing with, touching, rearranging, taking or using my things. My mom used to sell my toys at garage sales without asking or would sneak them out and I would find out later and lose my mind. I still resent her for selling one of my stuffed animals. >.> Everything had a place. My things are my things.

I feel like I am a burden. I no longer work because of the anxiety and problems I continuously encountered trying to meet the demands of corporate jobs while balancing everything I feel inside and what is going on at home. I live with my parents.

okay so added from questions:

apparently, I didn’t notice till I was asked, but yes sometimes I tip toe, especially up the stairs and in the kitchen. I sway and move a lot more in public or at night when I am restless. Clapping and singing are things I do when I am happy or find things humorous.

As for humor and jokes, I can never tell if people are joking or being sarcastic unless it sounds like it is in a typical form of a joke. I often misunderstand and get confused or hurt. I often noticed customers would joke with me at work and I just did not get it and it felt awkward. People have to tell me that they were joking. 

Today we went to do lots of things and I grew exhausted very quickly. I noticed the lights and smells in the stores were a lot to handle and I started to get sick. My purse also had been in a tub with lots of candles and the smell was also making me sick. I also got thrown off because I thought we were just eating, going to a few stores then home and instead we did that and then saw a movie and I sort of shut down I wanted to sleep and it made me upset and I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I felt upset because my sister said “why does everything always have to be about you?” and then yesterday she said I was really annoying because I only talk about the same thing over and over again. That upset me too. So I tried to get a nap in before the movie. The movie was really realistic but very illogical. It was Adventures of Tin Tin. Afterwards we went shopping and I tried to stay close to my mom so I wouldn’t lose her. It was a lot. When we came home I felt/feel very tired. I have a doctors appointment at 2 tomorrow.